Here is my third and final article about Vipassana before I leave tomorrow for this new adventure. I will try to describe to you as best I can the course of these 10 days and the sensations that I personally experienced. But this is my personal experience, it is unique, each experience of silence is individual and unique. Yours would be just as enriching but also very different.

So, as I was starting to say, from the first moments everything changes. The moment when the bell rings to signify the beginning of silence is both solemn and disconcerting. I remember observing the other participants around me, who, like me, seemed torn between curiosity and apprehension. We had just entered a space where words disappear, where time expands, and where there is no longer any escape from oneself.

I was at the same time excited, curious and invaded by a flood of thoughts. This time, however, I know what awaits me. But to be honest, I am a little apprehensive because each retreat is a unique experience, an unpredictable inner journey.

Days 1 to 3: Learning Anapana and Mental Agitation

From the first day, my mind was racing in all directions. I closed my eyes and immediately thoughts invaded me. Why was I here? Had I answered that last email before leaving? What if I had forgotten something important? How was I going to last 10 days without speaking, without reading, without distractions?

The instructions were simple: concentrate on breathing. Observe the air entering and leaving the nostrils, without changing it. Just be there with this subtle sensation. But it was a real struggle. My mind jumped from one memory to a future projection, unable to settle for more than a few seconds.

I was overwhelmed by a hurricane of memories, some very old, that I thought I had forgotten, and which came to the surface with disconcerting intensity.

On the evening of the first day, when I returned to my room, I was going around in circles, troubled by all my thoughts and memories! So, I spent more than an hour carefully folding all my things, folded squarely like at the time of military service, for those who knew.

On the second day, it was my body that began to rebel. Sitting on my cushion, in an immobile posture, I felt intense pain in my back and discomfort in my knees. My first instinct was to move, to adjust my position. But the teacher guided us:

“Do not move. Observe the pain. Do not run away from it. See it as a simple sensation.”

On some sessions, we were instructed not to move. It was difficult, even impossible. My mind did not understand this instruction. Why stay still when I was in pain? But I decided to try. I observed. I felt this pain without trying to push it away, but it was easier said than done.

On the third day, I began to manage to stop moving and observe. I began to understand that this pain was not only physical. It was a reflection of my resistance, my fears, my attachments. By observing it without judging it, I began to see it for what it was: a passing, impermanent sensation. And little by little, it lost its intensity. At that moment, we concretely grasp the notion of the impermanence of sensations!

My breathing became more subtle, more natural. I began to feel light sensations around my nostrils: tingling and a soft sensation. My mind finally began to slow down. The inner turmoil calmed down slightly, slightly!

Fortunately, we had a few breaks during meal times and some quiet moments of rest.

I usually took advantage of these breaks to go outside for a few steps on a path that went around a field (the size of half a football field)? There were several of us walking quietly, calmly in circles… or sometimes I took a small path through a small wood. Our senses seem much more sensitive to the nature that surrounds us. It was quite incredible.

It was at this moment that we would truly begin the Vipassana experience.

Days 4 to 6: The Discovery of Vipassana

On the fourth day, we began the practice of Vipassana itself. Until now, we had worked on Anapana, the concentration on breathing. But now, we were going to explore the entire body, sensation by sensation. The teacher guided us:

The instruction is simple: “mentally scan each part of the body, feel what is present, without trying to change it. Do not attach yourself to pleasant sensations, do not reject unpleasant sensations. »

Easy in theory, terribly difficult in practice, I tell you!

I noticed some tingling on my face, a little warmth in my hands, some sensations of fresh air touching my skin, then, nothing because my mind went back to these thoughts! My mind was agitated. I returned to my breathing and I started again. Perseverance!

Sometimes I wondered why I didn’t feel anything? Had I done the technique wrong?

The teacher reminded us that the important thing was not to feel, but to observe without expectation. Even the absence of sensation is a sensation. Little by little, I began to understand.

Around the fifth day, my mind became a little sharper. The sensations that I did not perceive before began to appear. I felt tingling all over my body, and like a kind of energy, as if there was a flow of little balls, atoms that sometimes circulate on my arm, or on my torso,

On the sixth day, something really changed. I realized that my entire body was in perpetual motion. Every sensation, whether pleasant or uncomfortable, appeared and disappeared. Everything is impermanent. So, as you can imagine, it was an alternation of pain and well-being! My back was still hurting but I was able to observe this pain precisely and I realized that it was disappearing.

A new peace seemed to emerge. And as every day I took advantage of the breaks to walk a little… in full awareness…

Days 7 to 9: Acceptance… and understanding

The meditations became more fluid. Time seemed to flow differently. Silence was no longer a burden at all, it even became pleasant. I observed the other participants. Their posture was more relaxed, their face more serene. Something had changed in all of us.

Personally, I began to feel a peace that I had never known before. It was not euphoria, nor an explosion of happiness. It is just a state of being without struggle, without resistance.

The pains were still there, but they no longer affected me and these last days were marked by a deep acceptance. I understood that everything was impermanent. Sensations, thoughts, emotions, everything came and went. Nothing lasted. And in this understanding, there was a kind of liberation. I was no longer attached to what was pleasant, nor repelled by what was unpleasant. I was simply present, here and now, observing what was.

I realize to what extent, in daily life, we react to everything that happens to us.

Day 10: The Return to the Word

On the last day, the silence was lifted. We could speak again, share our experiences. It was a strange moment, almost unreal. The words seemed heavy, clumsy, after so many days of silence. But there was also a joy, a lightness.

We had gone through this experience together, each in our own way, and we came out of it somewhat transformed.

When I left the center, I felt different. Lighter, calmer, more centered. I knew that this experience would stay with me, that it would continue to teach me, to guide me. And I also knew that this was only the beginning. The inner journey is endless, and each moment is a new opportunity to grow, to discover oneself, to free oneself.

Nothing to think about it today, I realize to what extent, in our everyday lives, we often speak to fill the void. Here, silence taught us that we could be together without needing words.